Muppet

Tom:      Okay, stop right there, don’t say another word!

Liz:         I’m, erm, not sure I can, not right now.

Tom:     Why ever not. Just put it down and –

Liz:         It’s because the … oh, what do you call it?

Tom:     The thermometer?

Liz:         No. You know – the thing that measures hot and cold.

Tom:      Yes – the thermometer!

Liz:         Doesn’t that measure the weather. Ooo listen, I’m a poet.

Tom:      No. It measures … Anyway – put it down.

Liz:         This?

Tom:      Yes – that.

Liz:         Well, if I do then surely –

Tom:      Oh give it here. There. It’s on the table!

Liz:         Well, if you say so, dear.

Tom:      What other possible interpretation can there be?

Liz:         Well, it could have rolled and fallen on the floor.

Tom:      Then you would have heard it!

Liz:         No, not with a carpet like this. It would have made no sound.

Tom:      Carpet? What carpet? It’s wood! A wooden floor!!

Liz:         Okay, don’t get carried away. Him downstairs will hear!

Tom:     And?

Liz:        Well, he might get upset.

Tom:     And?

Liz:        He wouldn’t come up when you’re here. I’d get it. I always do.

Tom:     Liz. Do not let men into this flat when I’m out. You hear me?

Liz:        Oh no, dear – I don’t let him in!

Tom:     Good. And keep it that way!

Liz:        … unless there’s nothing on telly.

Tom:     Unless … What?

Liz:        Well, I get bored if there’s nothing on.

Tom:     Bored?

Liz:        Yes. Like now.

Tom:     Now?

Liz:        Really, my dear, if all you’re going to do is repeat –

Tom:     Do not … I repeat, do not –

Liz:        See what I mean, darling – you’re repeating yourself again.

Tom:     I –

Liz:        Yes, I know – I, I, I.

Tom:     I think I’m going to go for a walk.

Liz:        Yes, you do that my love. The Muppet Show is on soon.

Tom:     Gah!

Liz:        It’s time to dah, de, dah, de. It’s time to dress up bright …

Tom:     Where’s my left boot?

Liz:        On the window-ledge in the study.

Tom:     What?

Liz:        The window-ledge. I put a spider plant in it.

Tom:     You did what?

Liz:        Really, my dear, you must learn to listen more closely.

Tom:     This is outrageous!!

Liz:        If you say so, my dear. What time is it?

Tom:     What?

Liz:        The time.

Tom:     It’s … seven!

Liz:        Oh good, just in time. Now do be quiet if you’re staying in.

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