Chakras

Here before you is your very own guide to writing and publishing, written using chakras as a framework for my sage musings.

From top to bottom (head to bum) we have:

• Consciousness. First of all, you need a good idea – an acorn, if you will, for the mighty oak that is to become your book. Try, at this point, praying to God for divine inspiration (let me know how that goes for you). Alternatively, try noticing the things that go on around you and making lots of notes about them. A quick word of caution here: do not try videotaping that hot chick/guy sat across the aisle from you. Believe me – ‘she had some really interesting dialogue, man’ is not going to be a good enough excuse when her boyfriend grabs you by the throat.
• Vision. Here’s where you take your idea and firm up the vision by writing down all the related aspects: genre, plot, dialogue, characters, message, chapter by chapter framework etc. You might think that it’s alright to do this while you are bang sober, but extensive research* has shown that you really need to get out of your head while you’re doing this. Transcendental meditation, chanting mantras (before, not during) and spinning around until you get dizzy (again – before) are good methods to try. If you map out your book whilst in your normal state of mind you’ll probably just end up with some kind of vanilla variant on your own thoughts – and who needs that?
• Communication. This is the part where you interact with the writing paper (or the screen) using your fingers (or voice). The trick here is to get down your first draft really quickly and without thinking about it too much. It might end up being total rubbish, but don’t worry – we gwan fix that, honey-chile (yep – that’s you, my friend).
• Health. After the storm of writing comes the picking up of chairs, tables, packets of crisps and sundry other things that got blown around. This is where you take your rough first attempt and you re-write it, and re-write it until it is all sparkly and covered with fairy dust. If you’re not good at this, then you might consider getting your friends to help. You’ve got friends – right? No? Okay – then maybe pay someone to do it for you. You got money – right? No?! Alright, then ‘tig – you’re it!’
• Digestion. Now you’ll need to have a long sit down and an even longer think. You need to ask yourself whether you will be able to cope with the fame and adulation that will come your way. Lot’s of people will be thinking about you, day and night, and if you have any sort of belief that thoughts have energy, then just think how it will feel when they are focused on you. If you are at all unsure of how fame feels, then try a little experiment. Buy yourself a full page advert in a popular national magazine and include the following things: a picture of you sitting in a comfortable chair and a simple caption with your full name and telephone number on it. If you can go through one week of the telephone ringing and ringing and ringing without once thinking of quietly ripping the phone from the wall, then you are ready.
• Reproduction. There are lots of ways of getting your book out there, but all involve making available as many copies as will be required to satisfy the rapacious appetite of your adoring public for every lovingly crafted word that you have written. Using a ‘proper publisher’ is one option, but this may be, by no means, the best and only route for you to take.
• Survival. Competition will be fierce out there, with over 25 billion billion billion books being published each day throughout the unknown universe. Depending on your circumstances, you might find it to be more ‘monetarily advantageous’ (yeah – I forget the proper word for this) to put a big pile of books in a strong bag and sell them door to door. In this way, you will get 80% of your selling price, rather than the 20% you would get through other means. And the only expense? A couple of cheese sandwiches and an apple each day, which you can eat in the park like a picnic. What could possibly be more delightful?

So there you are – a chakra inspired guide to writing and publishing – a monumental document never before attempted in the history of forever. I know this to be true because I googled the phrase ‘creative writing explained using chakras’ and all I got back was ‘about 203,000 results (0.74 seconds)’ of totally unrelated stuff about … oh, wait – actually, this one is quite good: http://energetic-mastery.com/throat-chakra/. It asks ‘what does it mean when you have real challenges with expressing … creative writing, including poetry, stories, music, articles, books, etc.’ Ooo – nice!

Excuse me – I’m just off to buy myself a blue ribbon to tie around my throat.

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*It seems that the following people have experimented with altered states of consciousness whilst doing their thang: Jay-Z, Jon Stewart, Steve Jobs, Brian Wilson, Hunter S. Thompson, Ken Kesey, Norman Mailer, Stephen King. and even Maya Angelou.