Snot

I was going to sub-title this article ‘101 reason why you shouldn’t blow your nose’ but I could only think of three:

1. It grosses people out – particularly when there are lumps in it
2. Good quality tissue paper is getting really expensive
3. It’s a real shame to turn that beautiful, clean, white tissue into a soggy yellowish mess, especially when there’s more snot than you bargained for and it goes straight through and gets all-over your hand. Aw c’mon, don’t screw up your face like that – are you telling me that this never happened to you?!

But then I remembered an article I read a couple of months ago. Just talk amongst yourselves while I find it. And no – don’t wipe that on your trousers. Yes, I know they’re going in the wash tonight, but it isn’t tonight yet!  Eww!!

Oh boy – forget about snot, I’ve found something much better! Here are the top 7 news stories that Uncle Google brought up with the phrase ‘why you should never blow your nose’:

• Men have forgotten how to belong. This is an hilarious (intentionally or not) article about the effects of religion on health (less stress, depression, suicide, anxiety, and substance abuse; more longevity, mental well-being, motivation and smugness). Told from the point of view of a secular Jew, this features such gems as “donkey drivers should have sex with their wives once a week, dictates the Mishnah, whereas it’s just monthly if you drive a camel” (who would have thought!) and “monthly no-touching is a genius way of maintaining sexual chemistry”. This is a genuinely clever and funny article with a very serious message.
• Marcus Luttrell’s Savior, Mohammad Gulab, Claims ‘Lone Survivor’ Got It Wrong. This one is from Newsweek and you would normally need a subscription to be able to read it, but here’s a top tip: as the page loads, you get about 0.748863 seconds (approximately) to CTRL+A (select all) then CTRL+C (copy) before the screen is obliterated by the ‘Pay Money’ message. I then pasted the text into Notepad and read it from there. Anyhow – remember that movie ‘Lone Survivor’ featuring Marky Mark (minus his funky bunch) Wahlberg – well this is the skinny from the real lives behind the movie. Important take away point? “When he came to, the SEAL realized the blast had blown his pants off …” I just deleted the rest of the story unread, but hey – good to know – right?
• Dance Moms Reunion Recap: One Last Good-Bye. This is an absolutely riveting (yes – sarcasm), 1,159 word, blow-by-blow account of the first three minutes of the latest episode of ‘Dance Moms Reunion’ featuring such breath-taking lines as “Abby sobs when they (sic) footage of her late mother and dog.” I was reading this thinking ‘I do not know these people’ nor had I ever heard of this show. As I scrolled towards the end I was anticipating that there would be 1 comment (from the author’s Mom saying what a wonderful article it was and could she pick up some milk on the way home), but blow me if there weren’t 182 comments there. I shall say no more – just in case you’re a fan.
• 14 things only hay fever sufferers will understand. If you suffer from hay fever, you’ll have read and understood this already. If not – then you will not be interested at all. Enough said.
• Mom’s video of ‘swimming’ baby sparks controversy. Woman throws baby in a pool and it doesn’t drown because it is born with ‘natural instincts at that age to turn over’. Old news, surely. More than enough said.
• ‘Ni hao’ to good manners abroad. One from the ‘Irish Medical Times’ that needs a subscription (see above for how to get around this) but is absolutely essential if you’re planning to travel abroad. It’s basically a set of tips on how not to offend ‘people in their own countries’ (previously known as ‘foreigners’). I’ll not steal the thunder of this article by sharing too much, but here’s one I already knew: “In some countries it’s polite to eat with your hand. Just make sure it’s your right hand and never use your left. In those countries, food is eaten with the right hand and the left hand is reserved for wiping certain parts of your anatomy.” Ooo, I just found half a banana on my desk (not as random as it sounds – it was left over from lunch) and guess which hand I’m now eating it with!
• What your snot can tell you about your health. I didn’t even click on this one. I didn’t have to. My snot is all the colours of the rainbow at the moment – hence the subject of this article. No, the thing that caught my eye about this was in the summary: “Related: 18 Things You Should Never Put In Your Vagina” I’ll leave you with that mental picture. You’re welcome!

Oh no – tragedy has struck – I just ate the last piece of that scrumptious banana without noticing it. You know the feeling – when you go for a bite and realise that it’s all gone! Forlorn and empty – right? Just like you feel now that this article has finished.

Go on – read it again – you know you want to!