How to be Good

You’re right.

No – I mean it – you’re 100 percent correct in what you say.

I was listening to you with that Russian gentleman, and what you were telling him was all true. Yeah – despite that. I could tell you a few things about him that would open your eyes, but just know for now that he is sooo full of shtick. Yeah – technical term. Listen – don’t let his anger get to you. He’s just like all the people at this party, no matter how gracious and beautiful they seem – it’s all flim-flam. Yeah – like fake.

Let’s go somewhere quiet – I want to talk to you. No – not like that. Yes, you have beautiful pants, but I’m not sure that they would fit me. I know you didn’t mean it like that – I’m aware of idioms and I know that ‘get into your pants’ means different things according to the state of your smile, but I just want to talk – is that so hard? No – not that kind of hard – will you ease yourself out of that groove for a moment or two? Take my hand. Yes – I have washed it. There – that’s good. Come on now – walk with me.

There – that’s better. Yeah – put some music on if you like. There should be a … yeah – there, by the bed – that button to the … there – leave that on. Beautiful. Dance? No thanks – come and sit here. Right. Listen – this is important. I’m going to tell you how to be good. Hmm – what’s that? No – not good in bed – although I suppose it could be used for that too. Right. Here’s what we’re going to do. See my hands? Just grip the arm of your chair like this. Good. Now the other one? Thank you. Now close your eyes and hold real tight …

… and open.

Will you please stop screaming!

Done? Good. It is rather disorienting isn’t it? Yes, rather like being turned inside out – that’s a very astute comment. Breathe. In … hold, hold, hold and out. Again – in … Yes I know that you know how to breathe. Alright – a minute it is. Look – you can see your star from here. Alright, alright – breathe … No, no – keep hold of the chair. You won’t fall, but it’ll keep you grounded if you stay … Yes, I know there’s no ground. Where? Well like I said you can see your sta … Okay – you have another little scream.

Felling a little better?

Well anyway – how to be good. What’s that, air? Well I’m not entirely sure actually. We’re talking and you’re screaming so there must be something, but I’m not sure of the technical details. I’m more an artist really. No, not a painter. Well, not really. I dabble of course, but … Yes, there is a point to all this – I’m going to tell you how to be goo … Why did I have to bring you here to tell you? Well, we’ve tried several ways … We? Well, there isn’t an exact word but the best I suppose is ‘collective’. Borg? What do you mean? Well which is it – Wars or Trek? The difference? You tell me. It’s the first I’ve heard of it myself. Listen, we don’t really have much time to … What? Kidnapping? No – just borrowing you for a moment or … Yes, you can go back at any time … Now? But I just want to tell you how … But … Alright, now it is. Yes, I suppose I am a little tetchy. Well, because I have this great secret to give you and … Well yes, I suppose we could do it later but … Alright, alright – home it is. Hold on tight.

There – home sweet home – now, the secre … Wait – where are you going? I was just about to …

… bye then.