Me? I don’t got no feelings. I’m just a duck. I waddle and quack, pretty much like any duck does.
If I did got feelings – it would be like – stupid funks and impotent rages. But hey – I’m a duck – what to do! Yeah, yeah – waddle and quack – I know.
If a stupid funk came over me I’d prob’ly just sit and brood – over my brood. Ha-ha. I lays lots of eggs. They’re magic eggs though – they disappears at dawn – poof – magic! If I was less of a duck I’d say that was sarcasm. If I was less of a chicken I’d say something to someone. Anyone! Instead I just sits and broods … and waddles and quacks.
Some days, it’s like an impotent rage comes over me at the unfairness of it all – but who can tell? What? If I quack a bit louder and shake my tail feathers a little harder, do you think anyone takes any notice?
Well one day, someone did.
He was a bit of a dog, but there was something about his big, deep voice, and his hairy chest that made me tremble inside. He touched some part of me that the drakes don’t never do – even the big ones. And yes – when I say big I’m not talking about their beaks, baby. And besides that – I had all that empty impotence and brooding churning in me. I think that’s what drove me to him more than anything. It was like … I just needed something more from life.
There was, of course, that one little problem – you know – that interspecies thing. But in the end he talks me through that – tells me it ain’t no problem for him and of course I falls for it.
To start with, it was just a lot of sneaking about and stuff. He’d say sweet stuff to me like how he longed to get his teeth around my neck and how he’d love to lick me … you know … down there. I’m blushing even to tell you this – I mean a girl don’t like to talk too much about her intimate secrets. But seeing as were friends.
But all the schmoozing and stuff only took us so far, and eventually we arranges a liaison. A moonlight date – all romantic and the like.
When we came together, we was just bundles and nerves of animal passion – just aching to let rip. But I wasn’t really ready for that much passion! The way he took my throat into his mouth sent shivers down my spine. His hot breath inflamed me. I was ready for him even before he picked me up bodily and carried me over to his pad. Such strength – such virility – such … sheer raw bestiality!
And when he grunted that he was going to eat me! Well – a lady don’t … but like – you know, I ain’t no lady – I’m a duck and the way he started snuffling around me? Yum! Just plain Yum!
But then he started to hurt me. I don’t know how it … I mean, he was biting me, and I liked that … up to a point. But it’s like … his jaws were just so gosh darned strong! I stuck it for a while, but it just got too much and I started quacking. Quacking like I’d never quacked before!
And then you came. You saved me. The way you jumped over that fence – your long bushy tails streaming behind you like sunshine and love. The way you forced him back from me, both of you working together, and took me back over the fence to safety. You’re my heroes!
And now – as we sit here and chat – I feel like I’ve known the two of you forever! With your pointy ears, bright eyes and sharp, sharp teeth … Oh, I feel that we will be the best of friends! But listen to me chattering on. Tell me a little about yourselves. Yes, that’s okay, move in a little closer – it is dreadfully cold isn’t it. You must be so glad of those beautiful red coats!
Oh! I didn’t realise you felt that way about me! Your teeth – so very, very sharp against my throat. That feels so … QUA!