considering characters

OK Robert, think of a character for a story that is not a stereotype. You have fifteen minutes starting NOW!

A chocolate bar that really wants to be a solid state drive and so mewls constantly to all who would hear (if they had ears) that it would fit in the space in the laptop quite nicely, especially if you ate the first four chunks and nibbled the end off neat and tidy like. But the audience consisted of two wooden penguins, a spider plant, a crumpled up tissue 20% full of snot and a coaster made of bamboo that went round and around and you get the idea, right? None of them had ears and even if they had it would be like the cow in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe trying to persuade Arthur Dent to eat it. Not going to happen matey!

There is of course scientific evidence that if a chocolate bar were moist enough it would be able to store data just as efficiently as an SSD, but you would have to go to the fringes of science to find it and even then you would be vilified for your beliefs by those who uphold the notion that the world is one big clockwork orange, except not quite as orange and not as edible. Rest assured that I’d get you the references now but I’m kind of on a schedule at the moment and besides that I’m pretty sure I lost at least 53.6674% of my audience on the word ‘drive’ and I wouldn’t want to lose any more of you precious, precious people to the void that is represented by the back button on your browser. Step away from the back button!

That darned chocolate bar is mewling again but that’s alright because all I have to do now is find a link through to the end of this thing that has, through the magic of the critical process, transformed itself from a stream of consciousness to a work of art and so deserves to be treated as seriously as the Statue of David, which is complete with ears that are deaf to people who say that his wobbly bits are too tiny but to which he would, if he were that kind of scary statue that comes alive, say that although they may be small they are perfectly rounded, just as non-stereotypical characters must be – and that is why you, my tasty little friend cannot be the main squeeze in my latest story, for the truth is that you are, due to the meticulous attention of my teeth … square!