OK Robert, think of a character for a story that is not a stereotype. You have fifteen minutes starting NOW!
A chocolate bar that really wants to be a solid state drive and so mewls constantly to all who would hear (if they had ears) that it would fit in the space in the laptop quite nicely, especially if you ate the first four chunks and nibbled the end off neat and tidy like. But the audience consisted of two wooden penguins, a spider plant, a crumpled up tissue 20% full of snot and a coaster made of bamboo that went round and around and you get the idea, right? None of them had ears and even if they had it would be like the cow in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe trying to persuade Arthur Dent to eat it. Not going to happen matey!
There is of course scientific evidence that if a chocolate bar were moist enough it would be able to store data just as efficiently as an SSD, but you would have to go to the fringes of science to find it and even then you would be vilified for your beliefs by those who uphold the notion that the world is one big clockwork orange, except not quite as orange and not as edible. Rest assured that I’d get you the references now but I’m kind of on a schedule at the moment and besides that I’m pretty sure I lost at least 53.6674% of my audience on the word ‘drive’ and I wouldn’t want to lose any more of you precious, precious people to the void that is represented by the back button on your browser. Step away from the back button!
That darned chocolate bar is mewling again but that’s alright because all I have to do now is find a link through to the end of this thing that has, through the magic of the critical process, transformed itself from a stream of consciousness to a work of art and so deserves to be treated as seriously as the Statue of David, which is complete with ears that are deaf to people who say that his wobbly bits are too tiny but to which he would, if he were that kind of scary statue that comes alive, say that although they may be small they are perfectly rounded, just as non-stereotypical characters must be – and that is why you, my tasty little friend cannot be the main squeeze in my latest story, for the truth is that you are, due to the meticulous attention of my teeth … square!
I love the Douglas Adamsey (yes that’s now a word) feel of the whole thing. I has a fair few chuckles throughout this story and for that, I thank you.
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Adamsey is an excellent word – love it. Glad to give you some chuckles – now get some work done! 😉
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And I ask your forgiveness for the has instead of had. Lack of sleep and immense boredom are not a good combination…
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I was up all night twisting and turning over that ‘has’ until the sheets were … erm, twisted and turned but by the time dawn came (bless her) I had found it in my heart to forgive you.
Y’all have a nice day now. #wink
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Robert, I don’t know how you did it, but your recent version of this is even funnier! The whole part about the Statue of David had me in splits! Perfectly rounded wobbly bits, well-rounded characters, main squeeze… oh, the puns! I’ll have to use my hashtag that your work inspired – #LAIS (Laughing As I Scrolled)
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You should perhaps use that as the name for your blog Amrita. 😉
Thanks for the vote of confidence – it means a lot to me.
Even though I know it shouldn’t – impermanence is everywhere!
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Impermanence may be everywhere, but you’re original, and that’s rare. So don’t worry, write and be happy! 🙂
If anyone should use LAIS as a blog name, it’s you! You inspired it, after all. But you already have one, a pretty good one at that. I don’t think I’m much good at humour! Here’s a link to one of the few attempts at humorous writing. It’s kind of old, so don’t be too harsh in your critique! http://shorttext.com/6d304840
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Why Amrita – that’s purrely excellent!
Nice realistic dialogue – as far as talking cats can be said to be realistic, an interesting idea done well and your grammar, spelling and syntax (whatever that means) are impeccable.
I don’t know if you noticed but the last seven lines are repeated?
You really should be working on a longer piece you know – you’re actually a better writer than most of the Indian author’s I’ve read – notably Chetan Bhagat. I’ve read several of his books and you put him in the shade.
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Yeah, I like that ending better, too 🙂 Well, my fingers itched to add a few punctuation marks somewhere in there – some commas, dashes, a series of dots maybe – you know, even thoughts need a pause for taking a breath, don’t they?
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#sternlook Nope – thoughts do not pause for breath! That’s why the metaphor of a stream is used. Having said that, this is now meant to be art, so … We’ll see. 🙂
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OK, you’re right – I didn’t put it correctly. Indeed, thoughts don’t need pauses – readers do. And you seem to acknowledge that in your previous paragraphs; they’re as much a stream of consciousness as they’re a dialogue with the reader. So all I call for is, in fact, consistency 🙂
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ok – you got me – send me a revised version and I’ll post it up. Just punctuation mind – I’ll be watching! #trustingsmile
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Hm, what about now? I’m not perfectly happy with that version, but you can take it from here:
That darned chocolate bar is mewling again. But that’s alright because all I have to do now is find a link through to the end of this thing that has, through the magic of the critical process, transformed itself from a stream of consciousness to a work of art – and so deserves to be treated as seriously as the Statue of David (which is complete with ears that are deaf to people who say that his wobbly bits are too tiny but to which he would, if he were that kind of scary statue that comes alive, say that although they may be small they are perfectly rounded). Just as non-stereotypical characters must be – and that is why you, my tasty little friend, cannot be the main squeeze in my latest story. For the truth is that you are, due to the meticulous attention of my teeth … square!
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I’ll accept a comma and a dash, but the brackets are just plain wrong Dessie.
#throwsheadbackandwails No-body understands me!
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Alright, alright, so much for variety. So put a comma before “and so deserves to be treated”, and a dash after “the Statue of David”. Feeling better understood now? 🙂
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Feeling much better now Dessie. I do appreciate you – honest I do. #broadsmile
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Comment from Orpha Smith from the Future Learn forum:
LOL… love it!
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This is a meta story! Because it is really about your writing – by the way, I really like the references. In that sense, did you really scape the author stereotype of being insecure? just kidding!
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An insecure author is truly what I am Camilla – well spotted.
I try to go beyond the stereotype by making out that I am secure in my knowledge of the inner life of chocolate bars and references to erudite scientific research, when in reality I am just talking nonsense.
Thanks for dropping by – your own blog is excellent.
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Comment from David Ball on the Future Learn forum (permission pending):
I think that deserves to be published. Inane fantasy-just my cup of tea!
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My goodness, you’re right! That chocolate bar really does look a lot like a SSD! (Thanks for teaching me the technical term!) No wonder it aspires to better itself in life by becoming a SSD and thus mewls so much. The poor thing! I think you’d better just eat it and end its suffering…
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Already done – hence the momento. #guiltysmile
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Oh, please don’t feel guilty, you did the right thing. And what a perfect tribute you gave it by posting its picture here. It has been given more respect than most chocolate bars ever get! #RIPchocolatebarwhowantedtobeanssd
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What a beautiful eulogy – obscurely I now feel even more guilty!
I seriously think I should become an even more extreme type of vegetarian than I already am – one that only eats cabbage that has been certified to have died a natureal death perhaps.
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LOL! But don’t cabbages already die natural deaths? I haven’t heard of any cabbages running into accidents or anything.
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Nope – it’s no accident – they are butchered. Throats slashed so cruelly that their entire heads are severed while they are still in their prime! At least they have lived a long(ish) life though – I refuse to eat sprouts – it’s just too cruel to cut them off before they’ve had a chance to really live. My wife thinks I’m crazy!
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I think you’re just more of a compassionate human being than most. Most people don’t care enough about their own fellow beings, let alone other living organisms! I refuse to buy flowers for similar reasons, and I’m also vegetarian. But I could be a lot more concerned, actually.
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Let’s be clear here Amrita – the sprouts comment is true but the cabbages comment is a joke. I wouldn’t want you to be following me into extreme vegetarianism on the basis of a bad joke! 😱😃
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I know that, Robert! 😀 I knew that as soon as I read “butchered” cabbages! It was just a moment of seriousness from me, amongst the mostly humorous exchanges. Freak accident, won’t happen again 😉
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No Amrita – your seriousness is as precious as your humour. Don’t change!
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By the way – just thought of a cracking title for your blog: Amrita Vela. How’s that sound? 😃
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At the risk of sounding ignorant… what’s a ‘Vela’? Does sound rather sexy, though! 😉 😀
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😱 Thought you knew your Hindi – amrit vela means dawn of nectar.
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My goodness, so it does! I have an excuse though, I’m Bengali – we’re notorious for being bad at Hindi! 😀
*ducks from fellow Bengalis*
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So I guess that Bengal not a part of India then. *also ducks from Bengalis – especially Amrita*
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