Things Not to do with Soap whilst Showering

What the fu…? Get up! What do you mean you can’t move? Just get up! What is this? One minute you’re stood up singing away and the next minute you’re crumpled up in the bath with your neck hooked over the taps!

Don’t just lay there puzzling up your eyebrows like that, you’ll only get frown lines and Babes ain’t gonna like that! Just think!! You must have slipped and fell or something. Yeah stupeedo – obviously – otherwise why else would you be here?

You know what happened, don’t you, you worthless piece of plop – you tried washing one foot by slathering it in soap, and then you put it down and tried lifting the other one didn’t you. Any fool could tell you that you were going to come a cropper doing that. Standing on a soapy foot. Genius! Well it’s too late now to buy that nice yellow shower mat in the shape of a duck isn’t it?

Aw c’mon – look on the bright side – you’re not going to die from the cold. That shower’ll keep you warm as long as you need it to … longer in fact. You’ll be the warmest corpse in all of Corpsedom. It’ll cost you a bloody fortune in electricity though. Electric power showers – you gotta just love ‘em.

Hey – another bright side – they just keep rolling in – you probably won’t have to worry about the bill either … unless of course Babes decides to come back from India early to rescue your sorry ass. Doubt it though – she ain’t back for another four weeks. She’ll probably just think you’ve taken a funny turn and decided to ignore all of her cute texts and stuff. It wouldn’t be the first time you did that.

How long is it you can stay alive without water? Is it a week or something? Nah – must be longer that that … maybe three weeks? If you had your Smartphone with you then you could just ask it. ‘OK Google – how long can you live on water?’ and it’d say ‘you can live for three days without water and three weeks without food’ in its prissy little voice. I bet you 10p that it wouldn’t be pleasant though. Still, so long as there isn’t a power cut, or a water cut then maybe, just maybe you’ll survive until she gets back … or maybe not.

What’s that ‘Chinese water torture’ thing again? I always thought it was where they put a tube down your throat and pumped water into your guts until you exploded – like that bloke in the Monty Python movie – but I think actually it’s where they clamp your head so that you can’t move it, and then drip water onto your forehead for hours and … Nah – can’t see it really – how’s that any kind of torture? They say it drives you bonkers after a while but I doubt. Anyhow, that ain’t nothing like what you got here. All you have to do it open your mouth and you get a nice drink of warm shower water. Not enough to drown in but enough to keep you alive!

Thing is though – do you want to stay alive? It’s blindingly obvious that you can’t feel nothing below your neck and you can’t move anything neither so that’s that for you matey! No more strolling hand in hand in the moonlight with the love of your heart – not that you ever did that anyway – too damned cold for her. But sunlight – no walking in the sunlight either. Or walking. No more walking full stop. If they did find you before you popped your clogs you’d be a proper Stephen Hawking – only without the smarts.

Good job you can’t feel anything too what with the way you’re legs and arms are tangled up there. You’re going to have the worst case of rubber arm ever dude! Rubber arms and rubber legs and rubber di… C’mon – keep it clean now. What? Why should you bother keeping it clean? You know that these are just thoughts that you’re thinking here don’t you? No-one can listen to your thoughts you know!

And anyway how much cleaner do you want to get? Longest shower ever – duh!

Hey – what’s that noise? Neighbour going to work. Shout to him! “Hey! Help!” Louder than that! No-one’s going to hear that croaking. You sound like a blooming frog! Croak, croak, croak! Try again. “Help!” Forget it – they’ve shut the car door – they ain’t coming for you any time soon. No-one’s coming for you. You might as well hold your breath until you suffocate and get it over with quick. What else can you do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah you could write a prizewinning novel – in your head! But it’s not going to get published – and what’s the point of doing something if no-one’s ever going to see it. Yeah, of course, there’s the collective unconsciousness – but the clue to that’s in the label on the tin – un-conscious. That means nobody gets to read it, dummy. And no, masturbation is a crap example of doing something good that no-one else sees – pervert. Not that you’re going to be doing anything like that anytime soon. Anytime ever!

Your fingers are prunes. You don’t half think some rubbish.

(work in progress – check back often)